I am a working mom. I work full-time (40+) hours a week. When I was growing up, I always thought I would be a stay-at-home mom. However, after Paul and I were married and decided to have children this idea was not a reality for us. The bottom line is Paul and I both have to work. Could we have a smaller home? Yes. Could we spend less here and there? Yes. Could we choose public schools over private schools? Yes. But the reality is that the answer to these and other questions wouldn’t change our situation.
When Aidan was born, I had the luxury of staying home with him for 7 ½ months. I was on disability for 6 weeks and took the remainder of the time under the Family Medical Leave Act. I was so blessed to be able to stay home for those months, but the guilt I felt when I had to return to work was almost unbearable. I felt guilty about EVERYTHING!! So much so, that I couldn’t enjoy the time I was home in the evenings because I felt like I always had to “make up” for lost time. This created stress and ultimately, more guilt. I was being consumed by the guilt.
In the beginning, I felt like I always had to defend my decision to return to work to my family, friends, peers and co-workers. I had a friend, who is a stay-at-home mom make the comment to me, “I am a single mom with a paycheck.” Her husband works long hours and is always out of town on business. When he is home, they are really leading two different lives. That truly is a main reason as to why Paul and I decided that I would work outside of the home. Right before Aidan was born, Paul had the opportunity for a job outside of the state, that paid enough where we would have been comfortable with me staying home and raising our child. However, Paul would have had to work many hours, be on call all of the time, and essentially put work first. That would mean leaving Aidan and I behind most of the time. That was not a sacrifice that we were willing to make. Paul wanted to be a hands-on dad. In addition, Paul and I didn’t want to sacrifice each other, and ultimately our marriage, either. Not only are the three of us growing as a family, but Paul and I are growing together not only as husband and wife, but as parents. When Aidan is grown and moves out into the world on his own, I want to know my husband. I don’t want to realize all of a sudden that I have to start our marriage over because Paul focused all of his energy on working so that I could focus all of my energy on raising our child. We want to share both of these experiences and responsibilities.
People, to this day, say to me, “I don’t know how working moms do it.” Just this week, I had someone say to me “I don’t know how you find time outside of work hours for anything more than dinner and getting the kids to bed.” Well, sometimes that is all we have time for in the evenings. But, it is not all of the time. It is not even the majority of the time. It takes a lot of time, energy and organization to make it work. We work together and it takes all three of us to make it happen. We have learned our steps of this dance in life together and we are a stronger family because of it. We didn’t make this decision for our family in one night. We put a lot of thought and discussion into it and I am confident in our decision. I no longer feel guilt about being a working mom because I have seen that it works for us. It took time for me to realize that this WAS the right decision for us. But the reality is, Paul and I have a wonderful marriage and Aidan is a well adjusted little boy. Really, I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Now, am I saying that if the opportunity presented itself that I wouldn't stay home and raise my child? No. Am I saying that anyone who can stay home and raise their children but chooses to go back to work is a bad person? No. Am I saying that a family who chooses for one parent to work while the other solely raises their children is a wrong decision? Definitely not. Honestly, how could I? I don’t walk in those shoes. I only walk in my shoes and I can say, without a doubt, that the shoes I am wearing fit well!! The decision that we made is right for OUR family.
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3 comments:
Jenny, you are an inspiration. I realize that when Phil and I start having children, odds are my job may still be the main income for the family and I'll have to keep my job, rather than do the stay-at-home mother bit I imagined when I was younger. I see the way that you and Paul manage both working and being very active in Aidan's life. You and Paul are raising Aidan to be an amazing young boy. It gives me hope that Phil and I will be able to tackle such a challenge when we get to that part of our family life.
Everyone has to do what is right for them! I'm impressed by the way that you and Jennifer can balance working and your home lives. You are surely a great example of how to raise a great kid, whether you work outside of the home or not. Kudos to you!!
More and more every day it feels like every parental, and especially maternal, decision that we make must be justified against someone else's golden standard. I am with you completely about the guilt I felt at first and the constant need to justify why Danny and I didn't sacrifice this or that for me to stay at home. I'm not sure why there is such a push for every mother to parent in one specific way. Instead, it should be awe inspiring that parents with different lifestyles and different approaches to child rearing can all send confident, intelligent, and caring into the world at large.
There are always people who say, how can you raise children and work full-time? I don't know. I don't know any other way. I am equally amazed with Trista and Mark. Every mother works equally hard in her as parent.
Like you said, when you make the right decision for yourself/spouse and for your family, you are making the right decision for your children. Thank you for writing this post! Amen, sister!
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